WANK OR WATCH | 2 Days In The Valley
Charlize Charlize Theron sacked her first manager after he only ever offered her roles for films like Showgirls or Species, and yet 2 Days In The Valley, her first credited role, has her nude on more than one occasion. It is an interesting and yet easily distinguishable difference for anyone familiar with these films for, while 2 Days In The Valley is shit, those others, along with the Poison Ivy series, are just exploiting ladies for soft-core porn purposes. Theron would go on to get topless in films that ranged from so bad it was hard to even get hard to right through to one that would grab her an Oscar, and she has always said that nudity is not an issue if the role requires it. But did her role as Helga in 2 Days In The Valley necessitate her boobs to make an appearance?
Simply put, no. A pretty mediocre, forgettable thriller that has four, maybe five, narrative threads that end up intertwining in a predictable fashion with almost no surprises along the way. James Spader is slightly entertaining but not particularly convincing, Jeff Daniels is fine but underused, Eric Stoltz has moments but the best aren’t explored, Teri Hatcher is as annoying as always and so it is left to Danny Aiello and his criminal who care to steal the show as he continuously berates a twat with a terrible British yuppy accent for belittling his PA, who Aiello takes a shine to. Even before the characters start to cross paths you both know that they will and are aware of exactly how they will, and so this is a thoroughly unthrilling thriller.
As I said in my opening paragraph, Theron has always shown a willingness to bare all and it is difficult to say where her career might had she refused this role entirely based on the topless scenes or asked to have those removed, perhaps the people behind The Devil’s Advocate would have disregarded her as a possibility for that movie based on its nude scenes and she might never have become the cinematic draw that she is now. With that in mind, this might have been a good decision from her even if the film is not worth watching.
1 June 2012
A film so bad that, despite starring America’s sweetheart Miley Cyrus, it managed to make only £46k on its opening weekend across 105 theaters in the states. Cyrus plays a girl called Lola who’s name is shortened to Lol but LOL is also a relevant title because, as the trailer tells you, ‘her friends are just going with the flow; trying to love and laugh out loud.’ I live in London and yet there are only four cinemas in, and I’m being geographically generous here, central London showing this movie. You would almost certainly have to go out of your way to see this and you’d surely have to be affected to do so.
The Angel’s Share
I didn’t like this trailer to start with and after thirty odd views over the last few months at the cinema, I can barely summon the strength to go see it. As shown in the trailer, John Naughton of GQ describes it as ‘Scotland’s answer to The Full Monty’, and this trailer seems to suggest he might not be far off. For that reason I’m not willing to say it’ll be shit but it looks dreary as balls and I’m really bored of English films being so fucking grey.
I’m one of the few who finds the entire Alien series underwhelming and Prometheus does little to change my mind. Slow start, strong middle and an ending that never knows when enough is enough. Read my review here.
Snow White and the Huntsman
A beautifully shot film ruined by a mix of poor characterisation and, to a lesser extent, Kristen Stewart being Kristen Stewart. Read my review here.
My Pick: Can’t go too wrong or too right with either Snow White and the Huntsman or Prometheus
REVIEW (from someone who doesn’t like the Alien series) | Prometheus
I find the Alien series to be incredibly overrated. Granted I have only ever seen Alien and Aliens and saw both of those only a month ago, but I found them slow, uneventful and lacking any real excitement. Alien seemed like an average sci-fi movie mixed with an average horror flick while Aliens was the same but with the additional average action sequences too. I wanted to like it, but I ended up drifting off. The same can largely be said of Prometheus. The beginning is slow and pretty uneventful, the middle is kind of awesome and the climax goes on so long it begins to hurt. Fassbender is incredible and Noomi Rapace is compelling and they manage to make this a film that I will return to despite my doubts that even the most devout Alien worshippers out there will give this a podium finish at best for the series.
- Next week we will have a review from someone who gives a shit about the series.
REVIEW | Snow White and the Huntsman
This film is based on a lie that a golden plate tells an unjustly insecure queen that makes her want to kill a girl who is basically a mix of Jesus and Dr Dolittle. That is the narrative and there is almost no subplots at all and any film like that would rely on a mix of visuals and characterisation to make it great. The cinematography in this film is fucking gorgeous to the point that you will probably not see a more beautiful blockbuster this summer. Every shot is painstakingly captured, the CGI used perfectly and there is a definite Alfonso Cuaron feel to it. Problem is that, Snow White’s character is really weakly written and Kristen Stewart shows that she can do moody bitch or sex kitten and fuck all else. You can guess which of those we prefer and while there are flickers of it, she ends up looking like Bella Swan at a fancy dress party she doesn’t want to be at.
For all it’s flaws, I’d still not put people off seeing it because it really is that stunningly shot and I value that.