REVIEW | Rock of Ages
This film had very limited intentions. All it had to be was fun. It missed the mark quite profoundly. At two hours long it is at least half an hour too long. Diego Boneta is awful. Mary J. Blige is worse. Catherine Zeta Jones offends me in every way possible in every single facet of her existence. Russell Brand puts on a Brummie accent for almost no reason at all. Alec Baldwin throws the horns within the first ten minutes and never ever recovers. Malin Akerman is fine, Tom Cruise is better. Paul Giamatti is good as the bad guy but barely ever gets the chance to show his excellent singing voice. Julianne Hough is seriously, seriously hot and if, like me, you enjoyed starring at her in Footloose then you’ll find plenty more opportunity in this movie. As it is, she is also my second favourite thing about the movie, as she manages to not be as earnest as Boneta while adding the necessary campness and humanity to the role. Sadly, my favourite moment comes late in the game and is less than a minute long when Tom Cruise ends up speaking to T.J. Miller on the phone. This is not a good sign for the film.
Sadly they even fail to grasp the structure of a musical as different numbers merge into one and not in a mash-up way. There is no attempt to set them up and it actually becomes confusing at times as to what the songs have to do with the story.
EDIT: I forgot the ending. Literally take the most famous song from Glee, the TV programme who’s popularity is a primary reason that your film was made, and have it as your payoff, exactly like the show. FUCK ME! Had I been one of the actors I’d have felt momentously embarrassed. And I don’t care if the stage show predates Glee, because 90% of people will think the same as me and, for that reason alone, it needed to be changed.
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15 June 2012
Rock of Ages
This is the better of the two trailers that I’ve seen and it still looks shit. Rock Of Ages looks like a tremendous waste of a talented cast (plus the hot chick from Footloose 2011 and that dude who isn’t Aaron Johnson). Akin to inviting Tom Cruise round your manor to play Guitar Hero with the only difference being that he can’t jump all over your sofa Oprah-style in the film.
What seems like part documentary and part soap ends up being part good. Read my full review here.
Noel Clarke is cancer to the UK film industry and unfortunately the industry is not reacting to treatment. Luckily he doesn’t appear to be in this too much. Instead we get girls running and then running their mouths in a typical ‘girl from the estate enters world of rich girl and is better and they argue and whatnot’ story.
It comes to something when Cillian Murphy and Elizabeth Olsen can sell a movie to me more than Bobby De Niro and Sigourney Weaver but sadly that is the case. This trailer looks fucking sweet but I have a horrible feeling it’ll be turd.
I both love and hate R-Patz. Dude has the world on a platter and seems to hate it, but then I love that he looks like he’s constantly hungover with that pale expression and being eternally glazed with sweat. Regardless, Cronenberg, Giamatti, Binoche, Morton and fucking Jay Baruchel all make this a must watch. Plus it looks expensive.
My Pick: Cosmopolis
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STREAMER | Beetlejuice
Currently available via Lovefilm Instant
I remember seeing this movie as a kid and fucking hating it. The only memory I have of it now other than my loathing it is of the scenes of desert landscapes and how they seemed to last forever. Obviously, after this viewing I realised how wrong I was as these scenes last less than a second and occur no more than four times. It’s that stupid irrationality of the child. Problem is, due to Burton being a gothic wankstain of a film-maker almost ever since (excluding Edward Scissorhands, Big Fish and, to a lesser extent, Sleepy Hollow) there has never been a desire to revisit his old films.
Beetlejuice is fucking sweet. Set in the real world but with macabre aspects, Burton never ever includes something that doesn’t serve the plot in some way. This is style for substance and he manages to have simple and realistic characters arcs in a simple, realistic narrative which is exactly the kind of base that he needs to stick all his dark wanky shit and it not seem like dark wanky shit and instead seem necessary.
There really is little that I can even see fault in with this film and I appreciate that I have only really discussed Burton but everything is just right. Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis seem like a perfect couple, whilst Winona Ryder gives further proof that she, and not Johnny Depp or Helena Bonham Carter, will always be Burton’s muse. Their relationship holds the entire movie together and then Michael Keaton’s anarchic is used so sparingly that he is allowed to be as over the top as he needs to be without ever aggravating,
Such a great film, shame Burton doesn’t make them like he used to.