REVIEW | Rock of Ages

This film had very limited intentions. All it had to be was fun. It missed the mark quite profoundly. At two hours long it is at least half an hour too long. Diego Boneta is awful. Mary J. Blige is worse. Catherine Zeta Jones offends me in every way possible in every single facet of her existence. Russell Brand puts on a Brummie accent for almost no reason at all. Alec Baldwin throws the horns within the first ten minutes and never ever recovers. Malin Akerman is fine, Tom Cruise is better. Paul Giamatti is good as the bad guy but barely ever gets the chance to show his excellent singing voice. Julianne Hough is seriously, seriously hot and if, like me, you enjoyed starring at her in Footloose then you’ll find plenty more opportunity in this movie. As it is, she is also my second favourite thing about the movie, as she manages to not be as earnest as Boneta while adding the necessary campness and humanity to the role. Sadly, my favourite moment comes late in the game and is less than a minute long when Tom Cruise ends up speaking to T.J. Miller on the phone. This is not a good sign for the film.

Sadly they even fail to grasp the structure of a musical as different numbers merge into one and not in a mash-up way. There is no attempt to set them up and it actually becomes confusing at times as to what the songs have to do with the story.

EDIT: I forgot the ending. Literally take the most famous song from Glee, the TV programme who’s popularity is a primary reason that your film was made, and have it as your payoff, exactly like the show. FUCK ME! Had I been one of the actors I’d have felt momentously embarrassed. And I don’t care if the stage show predates Glee, because 90% of people will think the same as me and, for that reason alone, it needed to be changed.

Verdict: Spunk

DAN

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